Epictetus said “We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak’ and the Dalai Lama said “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” I have always aspired to be a good listener…I think it is due in part to having an older sister who was born deaf. From very early in my childhood I realized the value in being able to hear, and especially being able to listen, as my sister had very little capacity for either and I vicariously witnessed her suffering. However, as I moved through adolescence and into adulthood, I am sure I lost sight of the value of listening as I was constantly trying to improve my storytelling skills and fighting for limelight in both personal and professional settings. I had learned from multiple data points that in professional settings, those who command the most “airtime” are most likely to be promoted and have better career trajectories. Therefore, if I wanted to get ahead, I should speak in all settings regardless of the value or power of my thoughts. And so, I did.
In recent years however, as I am getting into the later phase of my career, and especially since I have become a practicing Stoic, I have really worked on the art of listening. For me, when I realized the cardinal virtues of justice/morality and wisdom, listening became a critical behavior to upholding those values. I recently heard this quote, “if you want to attain knowledge, add something every day. If you want to attain wisdom, subtract something every day.” I love the quote and I think it has helped me as I aspire to subtract my need to verbalize my thoughts and create space to truly listen, beyond just hearing, to what others are saying. It has increased my connectedness to others as I am confident I understand them better and has driven great satisfaction and equanimity. I also believe in reverse, it has strengthened friendships as others feel seen or heard, at least on occasions when I am at my best.
Like all virtues, listening requires my disciplined attention and practice and I try not to create expectations for certain outcomes, but merely enjoy the value listening reaps for me in the moment.
We’d love to hear your tips on how you practice listening!
With gratitude and respect,
Kathryn,Todd, Derrick,